Not that anyone reads this or even noticed my two months+ hiatus, but I think I'm back. I'm mending that's for sure. Tragedy does strange things to a person. It can completely change you without you even knowing it. It changes your values and morals and behavior. It consumes your mind and your time, long after the danger has passed. I've always been a leveled-headed person. I didn't go through the rebellious teenager stage. I've always respected authority and my elders. I've always been self-motivated and was able to find the positives of any situation to make the best of it. Now, at this time, I've been faced with something that was nearly impossible to find a smidgen of positiveness. Up to this point, I don't think that I've ever truly felt pain and hopelessness. Or, I just felt it so deeply this time that anything else pales in comparison. To the people around me, they know what I'm talking about. To anyone else, I really can't even type the words yet. I have spent the last month and a half feeling weak...in body, mind, and spirit. That day is as fresh in my mind as last night. While others have picked up and moved on and forgotten how and why we've all ended up here, I still feel it vividly. I feel the disregard and the manipulation, and the heinous act of violence. I will never forget it. I can't go into much more because its not right and its not my place to divulge anymore information than this paragraph o'vagueness. See, I was just a bystander. I was just supposed to be support for those involved. Yet, I'm not sure that anyone else understood the gravity of the situation. No one seems to be having trouble dealing with anything anymore. There is almost no anger or dispappointment...only light-hearted banter amongst the involved as if today was just another day. There is no question of judgement..only justification of actions. There is no thought of what is best for the victim...only what do we do for revenge or our own personal peace of mind. I see these people with a weight on my head. I can't look them in the eye because I'm so ashamed of their either great ability to shove feelings aside or the willingness to move on from something that needed a great deal more of their attention. I'm disappointed from the let down of broken promises. I'm hurt by the laissez-faire attitudes. PEOPLE THIS IS SOMEONE'S LITTLE LIFE!!!!!!!! An individual with potential and personality and intelligence and hope and YOU BLEW IT!!! You ruined everything. There is a pink elephant in the room that needs some attention.
I think I need a therapist.
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