Oh yeah, my garden

Lost a lot of stuff due to the events in July. Didn't water or weed at any point during that time. 'Maters are still doing slightly above average. I've canned quite a few quarts and that's makes me happy. My cucumbers, despite my neglect, produced 22 quarts of pickles. Dill...in the form of spears, slices, and whole. Next year I'm going to make my own dill spice blend, because whereas the package blend was convenient, it did burn every hair out of my nose with its pungency. Did I mention that was only one cucumber vine? And I probably, and unfortunately, wasted that much because of my neglect...call CPS on me, I deserve it. (cucumber protective services)

sil plants are on the warpath with stems comparable to small trees. Over grown and loving it they are. I may only have one pumpkin out of, oh I dunno, 30 PLANTS! (FAIL) Its ridiculous and heartbreaking. Nonetheless, I won't mind another trip to Hubers, a hayride, and picking my own little orange darlings with Sophia and Hubby, who, might I add, are doing quite well through all of this. That hubby, I tell you what. Nothing beats a good man who cooks and cleans and brings your spirits up through the worst of times. That man went days with no sleep to take care of us while I was dealing with my family situation.

Eggplants=ZERO. The plant itself its large and healthy looking yet apparently I'll be buying my eggplants from the farmers' market this year.

My one HUGE success this year was my Cream of Saskatchewan Watermelon. The first of about 10 is sitting in the fridge as we speak. I'm thinking tonight is the night. They are all doing great and are about the size of basketballs. That was the one thing I thought wouldn't make it this year.

CHICKENS! Oh yeah! They are getting so big! No eggs yet. My bet is on about two more weeks before the first treasure. I can't wait. There will be joy in my life again. That may be the start. The thought of greeting my girls in the morning, only to be greeted in return with an egg puts neon in my veins. I haven't spent as much time as I would have liked with the girls, and for that, some of our relationships have suffered a bit. But, I still have my goodies and Bessy still wants to be carried around like a baby. its ridiculous because she wasn't even one of my originals. We bonded. I love her, and still secretly (not-so-secretly) wish that she was a he. It could still happen!

Therapy? Who needs therapy? I just lifted two months off of my chest. I did miss this. My city-farmgirl life is whats helping me to heal. In between trips to and from the hospital I forced myself to can the pickles for fear that I would lose everything if I didn't. How could such a modest task like canning, ease the mind? Dunno. It did though. I chopped cucumbers through deep heartache and tears. And, when it was all said and done and I pulled the jars out of the water, I mustered up a miniscule amount of pride. A drop in the ocean, maybe, but it was something.

I heart Fall. Get here quick.

A summer wasted

Not that anyone reads this or even noticed my two months+ hiatus, but I think I'm back. I'm mending that's for sure. Tragedy does strange things to a person. It can completely change you without you even knowing it. It changes your values and morals and behavior. It consumes your mind and your time, long after the danger has passed. I've always been a leveled-headed person. I didn't go through the rebellious teenager stage. I've always respected authority and my elders. I've always been self-motivated and was able to find the positives of any situation to make the best of it. Now, at this time, I've been faced with something that was nearly impossible to find a smidgen of positiveness. Up to this point, I don't think that I've ever truly felt pain and hopelessness. Or, I just felt it so deeply this time that anything else pales in comparison. To the people around me, they know what I'm talking about. To anyone else, I really can't even type the words yet. I have spent the last month and a half feeling weak...in body, mind, and spirit. That day is as fresh in my mind as last night. While others have picked up and moved on and forgotten how and why we've all ended up here, I still feel it vividly. I feel the disregard and the manipulation, and the heinous act of violence. I will never forget it. I can't go into much more because its not right and its not my place to divulge anymore information than this paragraph o'vagueness. See, I was just a bystander. I was just supposed to be support for those involved. Yet, I'm not sure that anyone else understood the gravity of the situation. No one seems to be having trouble dealing with anything anymore. There is almost no anger or dispappointment...only light-hearted banter amongst the involved as if today was just another day. There is no question of judgement..only justification of actions. There is no thought of what is best for the victim...only what do we do for revenge or our own personal peace of mind. I see these people with a weight on my head. I can't look them in the eye because I'm so ashamed of their either great ability to shove feelings aside or the willingness to move on from something that needed a great deal more of their attention. I'm disappointed from the let down of broken promises. I'm hurt by the laissez-faire attitudes. PEOPLE THIS IS SOMEONE'S LITTLE LIFE!!!!!!!! An individual with potential and personality and intelligence and hope and YOU BLEW IT!!! You ruined everything. There is a pink elephant in the room that needs some attention.

I think I need a therapist.