Oh me, oh my, oh rainy day!

Rainy days. Fav by far. Part A of me loves rainy days because I like the confines of my home. Forced to face projects and tasks with coffee in hand. Part B of me loves the rain because its a small way to put my life into perspective. The best I can do is plan for the worst and hope for the best. We are all vulnerable and at the mercy of whatever the Earth chooses to toss at us. Rain. Sometimes a delicate reminder that we aren't really in control of anything. (and if you're like me, not even your hair is under your control when it rains) Sometimes it makes us blatantly aware of our lack of preparedness. One of my goals for 2013 and always ongoing is to be more mentally and physically ready to handle a disaster. Planning gives me a sense of control. As slight as it may be, I can, task by task, create a "what if" scenario and a hopeful plan of survival. There is so much more to preparedness than just growing your own food and starting a fire.  The Part B of my personality also wants to run like a pack of wild dogs through Bass Pro Shop and Walmart, grabbing every jug of water and piece of survival gear that my 140lb frame could carry at one time and letting out a battle cry as I exit the premises. Part A tells my Part B to shut the hell up. I've been following a few homesteaders' blogs for years now. The Homestead Revival has a great ongoing preparedness challenge that allows you to gather supplies and gain self sufficiency weekly and in easy steps. With the way things are going these days, you can never be too prepared. And, if bad things aren't around the corner...just go camping with your new knowledge for fun.  Now quit picturing me with war-paint all over my face running through a store with security chasing close behind.

2013

I don't generally do New Year's resolutions because I am constantly changing and achieving goals on a daily basis. A year is too much of a commitment for me. 2012 was almost considered a disaster of a year for me. As the year went on, big life changes and events were taking place. Things were going wrong with our new house. BIG things. Expensive things. Things that would normally happen over an extended period of time. TWO car wrecks, both times everyone was just fine. (remember this later) I felt like I was having to make too many life-altering decisions. I let "me" fall to the wayside. I could see "me" from a distance but couldn't get close to that person I once was. The strong. The quiet. The tolerant Addy. My inner peace was waiving from afar to come join the rest of "me". I focused a lot on the negative. I focused on how weak I felt, like I wasn't qualified to be making these decisions. I was angry and my patience was nonexistent, even with my girls. I felt like my husband was watching me coil back into this child-like creature, afraid and weepy, and he was trying so hard to take on the burden of  everything. I looked at my mess of a house, unorganized, broken, and nothing I did made it feel like home. I tried projects and craft whatnots. I tried grasping peaceful moments. I felt hideously alone and scared at night without my husband being here. Outside of my little 4-pack family, everyone else seemed to be falling apart as well, intensifying my feeling of helplessness for them, when I was always the bright-side, the reasonable, the helper. I could have moments of clarity. Moments of strength. But they were quickly overshadowed. How do I fix this? How do I tell people that I must be losing my mind? Will I wake up one day and be back to me? And, most importantly, how the FLIPPING #@&(*)!@^!@%^*#$*(@)#*!(@!)@* did this happen?! 

I don't know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is that something changed in me for some reason and it has to be for the greater good. That's how God works. If you take a step back at everything that I said. Just about every tangible thing, object, belonging, was destroyed or broke. Things. Objects. Belongings. At this point in 2013, most of those things that were broken are fixed. We got a new car. Our house issues are being taken care of little by little. My heartbreak over my phone and fried computer were because of the lost pictures, ie memories, on them, but we found out that those can be recovered from the computer. My family, my little 4 pack, my quad, my amigos.They are all here. They are all healthy. And when I look back at my darkest and worst days last year, I notice that I had more than just my little family unit. I had good and dear friends who surprised me with candy bars stuck to my door handle, bringing me coffee, just being there. I have been surrounded by the love of my friends. Friends that I've never had before these past few years. So, my weakness, for the moment of 2012, was okay. I made it through. And, after all was said and done, I made it through because I had so much love around me. Footprints in the Sand is one of my favorites. It has been since I was a child. It has followed me through life. I almost forgot about it this past year. Love and concern walked beside me this whole year. From that, I am taking strength. I am looking to the sun, the clouds, the Heavens. I am hopeful for 2013. I'm going to be grounded, thankful, and most importantly, spend a good portion of my time paying it forward to those kind souls who did more than they know for me. I am going to focus on making this house a home, with less stuff and more love and patience. I am going to reclaim my FARMGIRL spirit and get my hands dirty in my yard. New garden plans. New chicken plans. 

 Hi, me, welcome home. 

Your handmade life continues

The marshmallow. Fluffy and white. Indulgent and simple. People take for granted that jet-puffed perfectly cylindrical store-bought version is the only option. If you've never had a homemade marshmallow then you're certainly missing out. If you've got a little bit of time, an empty kitchen, and a stand-mixer then you can easily "whip" up a batch of fresh hot chocolate accessories. (pun INTENDED!!)  :-)  

I've used this fail/fool-proof recipe for years. Love me some Alton Brown just FYI.
Homemade Marshmallows

The cool thing about this recipe is if you spread them out on a sheet pan to set up, you can use cookie cutters to make fun shapes. I prefer snowflakes in my hot chocolate. I've even added a little peppermint oil and red food coloring in the last few seconds of mixing to make a swirly pink and white peppermint marshmallow. Put them on a sucker stick and dip them in chocolate and sprinkles. Cut them into squares and roll them in colored sprinkles. Heat them in a pan with a little butter and make the best rice crispy treats in the tri-state area!! Want me to keep going? One last word...S'mores. 

This post is dedicated to a new and dear friend in my life. 

Romancing the leaf

Go ahead. You know want to. Blush. Turn a little shade of red for me. Maybe some orange, golden yellow, deep purple. You look so good when you do.

I'm at my best when there is a chill in the air. Seductive. Darker. Almost demented from the anticipation. I spend most of the year in a lovely blue/gray/green airy wonderment. The softness of those colors bring a lightheartedness to my emotions. The pale sea green in my kitchen billows around me and makes me happy when I walk in. But there is a  point in the year where my eyes turn towards the cynical, darker, cloudier days with glee. I welcome Fall with a sly grin and an open door like a secret new lover. For weeks I have been feeling the change. The slightly cooler nights. The extra dewy mornings. I miss my little pumpkin patch from my old house. I will always have a childish fantasy of living in Hagrid's hut from the Harry Potter series. There is an amazing scene where all you see is giant dusty orange pumpkins and fog. I close my eyes and imagine looking out my kitchen window at my garden full of Jarrahdales, Cushaws, Hooligans, Luminas, the edges lined with Babyboos and Jack-Be-Littles and in the middle of it all, one GIANT pumpkin, tipping the scales at a little over 500 lbs. Its not record-breaking, but its big enough for me to hide behind with a knitted shawl from my Momma and a good book. Fall is where I get my groove back. Refresh my soul. End my year long quest for zest, zeal, sparkle. Enjoy the harvest and be thankful for life. Its all in the Fall for me. And he is here, now. Welcome Fall. Come on in and stay awhile. I need your sparkle.

Oh how I miss thee

Blogger, oh blogger, how do I love thee....let me count the ways. Venting and planning. Troubleshooting and victories. Sharing and caring. Its getting to be my favorite time of year. I love pumpkins and Fall colors. I love hot cider and yarn. Oh the yarn. I could roll around in yarn like a cat when its cold outside. Nothing feels better in my hands than a nice worsted weight wool or alpaca blend. I've been so busy with this new house that I have barely knitted all Summer. I'm ready for a short break from remodeling to get back to my favorite Fall activities. Knitting and GARDEN PLANNING!!!  Planning my garden through the Fall and Winter months is almost as exciting as my first shovel of fresh dirt in the Spring. This next year is going to be a whopper of a chore though. I am starting from scratch. We have started clearing out the yard of the half acre of DITCH LILIES!! This yard is ridiculously overgrown with lilies and other wild plants. I'm hoping that by December I will have a blank canvas and a few raised beds started. Who knows, with the way the weather has been, I may just go ahead and start my Spring planting!  I don't think Winter showed up but maybe for a week or two last year. I tell you what though, the SECOND a seed catalog shows up in my mailbox, there will be seeds. Beautiful packets of seeds. Hidden about the house in random places. Stashed like a shoe addict hides a recent binge purchases from Broadway Shoes. I was so terrible last year, that as I was packing to move I found a few extras that were somehow forgotten. I'll be smarter this year...

                                                                                                            I is gonna make meself a map.

Whoa.

October was the last time that I posted on here. Much as happened. Much is still happening. I am so ready to get off this ride that I'm about to barf...too many corn dogs and cotton candy while riding the Gravitron at Harvest Homecoming style. It all started with my return to work after having baby Emmaline. WEEKS of sobbing before the actual day I returned, just at the thought of leaving that little snugly bundle. I don't remember how I handled it with Sophia, possibly my shorter work schedule aided the transition. By the time I went back to work though, it wasn't any better. Every time I thought of her little face, I cried. I was still nursing her, so I had to pump at work. Where I pumped added to my misery...a dirty little broom closet that had a drain hole that the maintenance men frequently dumped bleach down and hung wet mops to dry. I would sit there with hot tears filling my eyes to the brim, staring at a little picture of Emmaline nursing and looking up at me. Sometimes Hubby would send me pictures of the girls at home, Emmaline after a bath because of a diapee blow-out or something of similar comical significance. I returned to work at the worst time of year as well...the dreaded Peak Season at UPS. Where our package count sky-rockets as well as the required hours to work. My management team was very supportive of me and worked around me the best that they could. My heart raced to get home everyday to my girls and my exhausted Hubby. He was working nights and staying up with the girls, then going to bed when I got home. This was a grueling cycle and getting us no where. The drive to become a SAHM or at least working from home was pressing. So much so that Hubby actually said that it would be possible if we could start to pay off some of our debt. All systems go. Pay off debts. Can do. We started paying down and paying off, old credit cards, the car, student loans. Then it hits us...Sophia starts kindergarten this year. Sophia, our brighter than average, curious, thoughtful, little sponge. There is no doubt in my mind that she would not do well in a regular school. She is an oddball in a wonderful way and is anything but traditional when it comes to learning. The school system in Louisville leaves much to be desired. For the heck of it, we started looking for houses in other neighborhoods. Then, for some strange reason, Hubby suggests we look in Indiana for a house. This is music to my ears and I get right on it! I have been waiting 11 years to move back to Indiana. Closer to my friends and family. LOVE IT. I break the news to my bestie...see you soon Bestie. Of course, every house I look at I invite Bestie along and she reports immediately the distance and time that it takes to travel to my new digs. I found an amazing old Victorian farmhouse that was literally my dream house. Dream turned nightmare house with repairs beyond the conceivable realm of possible. Plan B...a house that had been on my list but looked atrocious in the pictures so I hadn't ventured into it yet. My "last resort house" quickly turned into my new dream house. It needs a little work and GOOD LORD some paint, but its got space and its in a great neighborhood. I never saw myself in a neighborhood like this, but this house is for Hubby and the girls. Hubby will be so much happier here. All of the sacrifices he has made for me... I will gladly make this move to suit him. I can be happy anywhere as long as he is there too. Sounds cliche but that man is happiness to me.

So fast forward a bit, moving day is getting closer. I have not started my garden for the first time in 7 years. I. Am. Going. Crazy. There is already an area for veggie gardeness at the new house, but I can't get my hands in the dirt there yet. I gave away my chickens and the coop. This house has no character without the yardbirds. It makes me sad to pull in the driveway and not see the coop. I will have them again soon enough. And my garden. And my knitting.

Pssst...

I'm sitting here in bed, checking out some blogs and various website whatnots, sleeping Baby Emmaline by my side. Just one of those peaceful moments where you don't know how it could get any better than this.